Amy Weatherly & Jess Johnston are founders of the online community Sister, I Am With You and authors of I'll Be There (But I’ll Be Wearing Sweatpants). BFFs to the end, they are the perfect people to talk to if you want to know how to make friends as an adult — so we'll let them do the talking. Take it away, Amy and Jess
There are so many cool insta-things right now, and I (Jess) am here for it. Don’t even get me started on Amazon Prime; Prime is like the fairy godmother I never had. (Me: Fairy Primemother, I need twelve steak knives, a tutu, and a can opener that doesn’t make me swear. Fairy Primemother: I’ll have that to you in forty-eight hours.)
The only problem with all these instant, don’t-have-to-work-for-it conveniences is that we start to expect everything — including friendship — to be that fast and easy. We want friends to show up on our front doorstep in two days, and if it takes three days, we’re going to be kinda mad about it. The thing is, every single beautiful thing has a beginning. Every single bestie relationship has to start somewhere. You can’t Prime friendship, but you can start. You can start timidly and awkwardly, and someday you will be able to sit in the shade of a deeply rooted sisterhood.
I (Amy) am a homebody through and through, so I am not scared of alone time, especially if it means alone time sitting in my car in the driveway. I’m very comfortable when it’s just me. In fact, I relish it. I’ve been hurt, and I’m terrified of rejection, but I’ve learned the hard way that there are two kinds of rejection: the kind that comes from others, and the kind we bring on ourselves. Crabs don’t eat unless they come out of their shells. Peek your head out and I bet you’ll find your lobster. Step one is admitting you need friends, step two is getting out into the world so you can find them, and step three is investing time and energy consistently so you can see your friendships grow. You gotta play it like Ariel, and be where the people are. Here are some ideas we’ve put together to get you started:
Join A Gym
Listen, I’ve joined a lot of gyms in my day, but it turns out you have to actually go in order to see any physical or social results. To make friends, you have to actually talk to other people. Take a class and complain to someone near you how impossible it is, compliment someone’s cute workout outfit, etc. Is there anyone in the history of ever that doesn’t want to hear a compliment when they’re currently drenched in sweat and about to pass out from exhaustion? We think not.
Volunteer
Making a difference in your community is a great way to make friends. If you have kids, say yes when your kids’ school asks for volunteers. (I know. Ugh. But just do it.) Connecting over mutual activities can be one of the best ways to see someone consistently. Also, hello multitasking — getting those hours in and making friends at the same time.
Start A New Hobby
Look up activist groups or craft clubs, or start showing up at the same coffee shop repeatedly. What is a new creative hobby that makes you come alive? Is it books, is it art, is it running, or is it a triple shot caramel espresso with a splash of cream (Jess raises her hand here)? Get out there and do the things and find the people who are doing those things too (even if it’s simply an obsession with caffeine).
Socialize With Your Coworkers
If you work in an office, start coming out of your cubical at work and see if anyone wants to go out for drinks or appetizers afterward. Cheese sticks are okay, I guess, but have you ever had cheese sticks dipped in butter and breading and then deep-fried in grease? Just about anyone can become friends over deep-fried cheese.
Follow Up
Reach out to someone you admire and say, “Hey, I see you, and I just want you to know I’m cheering you on.” And see where it takes you. This is actually exactly how we met – I (Amy) messaged Jess and told her how much I admired her writing. Again, who is ever going to be upset by a compliment? Encouragement is rare, and it can be a great place to start a friendship. We need each other.
Make The Invite
Challenge yourself to give a weekly (or monthly) invitation to someone new. Maybe it’s to meet for coffee, maybe it’s over to your house for dinner, maybe it’s to a playdate in the park. This is how I (Jess) have made all of my friends. Was it awkward and nerve racking at first? Um yes. Did it require courage? Definitely. Was it worth it? I don’t have enough words to express how incredibly worth it it was.
Listen, if you’re lonely, if you’re not sure where to begin, please hear us: there is nothing wrong with you. You’re not broken or unloveable. You’re not a unique case that is destined to be without good friends. There is hope. If you plant the seeds, you will reap the fruit. It doesn’t really matter what steps you take. Make them personal to you and your lifestyle. You want to make sure you’re giving yourself manageable, bite-size goals so you can stick with them.
Deep friendship doesn’t come with two-day shipping, but the truly important things in life never do. Go. Initiate. Invite. It is weird to introduce yourself to someone new. It is weird to make new friends. It is weird to put yourself out there, but you are brave. You can do this. You deserve this, and people deserve to know you. And who knows? You may be one conversation, one yoga class, one meeting away from finding the very friend you’ve been looking for.
If you are looking for a community of women to get real about the ins and the outs, the ups and the downs, and all the in-betweens of friendship, visit Sister, I Am With You and pick up Amy & Jess’ new book, I’ll Be There (But I’ll Be in Sweatpants).
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