Is it just me or has the past week been a doozy in regards to romantic relationships? First Keke Palmer was mom shamed by her son's father, and now surfer Sarah Brady has something to say about her ex, Jonah Hill. After releasing screenshots of text conversations, she let the world know about his alleged controlling behavior. It feels like the celebrity breakup world is going through too many relatable problems, and the public isn't a fan. (It's me — I'm the public)
What caught my eye about this particular situation is his use of therapy-speak to justify bad behavior and unfounded demands. For context, "therapy speak" is categorized as the ideology used to describe certain psychological behavior. As someone who's dealt with an ex-boyfriend who basically wanted me to change my entire identity, there's nothing about this behavior that raises green flags — it actually points to toxic behavior, and that's no bueno.
Because therapy is such a beneficial tool, I've been curious about what could cause someone to weaponize therapy-speak in their day-to-day. To understand the whys and the hows of all this, I spoke with licensed Professional Counselor Candidate Angelica Jackson, MA, LPCC along with Kristal DeSantis, M.A., LMFT, CCTP, CSTIP, a licensed marriage and family therapist.
What causes someone to use manipulative tactics in relationships?
Dr. Jackson said there are a few reasons why someone may use manipulation to get their way. "It often comes down to power and control. The person using these tactics might feel insecure or threatened, and they might use manipulation as a way to feel more secure or powerful." In the past, Jonah Hill has been vocal about having body insecurities, as evidenced in his Netflix documentary Stutz, so it doesn't feel like a reach to suggest this could've carried over into his relationship.
In an interview with Entertainment Weekly, he said success didn't fix his anxiety or insecurities. "... the media kept being really brutal about my weight... It kept me from feeling any sense of being able to grow past negative feelings about myself.
Knowing this, Dr. Jackson also went on to say someone "might not know how to express their needs and desires in a healthy and respectful way." Jonah stated via text that he was setting boundaries with Sarah, asking her to limit surf clients to women only. This ask is extremely controlling, interfering with their livelihood and questioning their loyalty. We don't know the specifics of conversations outside the text threads, but I think if he met her as a surf instructor, he should've been more respectful of her chosen profession. (Or, you know, not date her)
How does manipulation look in relationships?
When we think about controlling behavior, we may ask ourselves what actually happens in manipulative relationships. According to Dr. Jackson, the answer is multifaceted. She said, "Manipulation in relationships is a complex and often harmful behavior that can lead to significant emotional distress and damage to the relationship." She also said it's important to know the different ways it can show up. In no particular order, Dr. Jackson explained the six main types of manipulation:
- Gaslighting: "This is a form of psychological manipulation where one person causes another to question their own reality, memory, or perceptions."
- Guilt-tripping: "This involves making someone feel guilty to get them to do something."
- Silent treatment: "This is a form of emotional manipulation where one person ignores or refuses to communicate with the other to punish them or to exert control."
- Victim-blaming: "This is when the manipulator blames the victim for their own actions or for things that are not their fault."
- Love-bombing and devaluation: "... a cycle where the manipulator gives excessive attention and affection (love-bombing) and then becomes very critical and distant (devaluation).
- Triangulation: "This is when the manipulator uses a third person to create tension, jealousy, or competition."
Why can therapy-speak be dangerous?
Dr. DeSantis loves that more people have access to therapy resources and the language associated with it. She said, "When individuals have access to therapeutic concepts and terminology, it can contribute to their self-awareness and improve their ability to communicate effectively." But she's also aware of the downside of this.
"Manipulators may exploit clinical language, such as boundaries, gaslighting, or narcissism, to further gaslight and control their partners. They twist and distort these terms, leading to confusion, self-doubt, and a distorted understanding of the situation," Dr. DeSantis said.
She hopes the situation with Jonah Hill and Sarah Brady reminds people to be careful about therapy-speak. She said, "As a therapist, I encourage individuals to call out and challenge those who improperly use therapeutic terminology to diagnose, control, or malign their partners. Merely using a term like 'boundaries' does not necessarily mean it is being used correctly."
AKA, just because we see people regularly using a buzzy therapy-speak word doesn't mean they're always using it in the right context. Be sure to communicate clearly with your partner about how you're feeling, keeping the conversation a dialogue rather than a list of demands.
Don't let this list scare you into never wanting to date again though. Relationships can be tricky to navigate, but there are healthy examples out there! What I've learned is that, deep down, we have an idea of when someone is causing us to feel a shell of our former selves. Although love is great, it's not the only thing you need to sustain a healthy relationship. Respect and true, healthy boundaries are also important. (Are you taking notes, Jonah?)
How do you feel about the situation with Jonah Hill and Sarah Brady? Let us know in the comments, and be sure to follow us on Facebook for more updates!
Image via Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images for Netflix
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