Communication is key to keeping your relationship strong, whether you've just had your first date or you're considering marriage. Knowing your love language helps, but so can asking the right questions to understand how your partner is changing and evolving over time.
“We call it relating, not a relationship,” says Ben Anyasodo, a licensed behavioral change expert who founded the Black matchmaking service Chotayah with his wife Chiddie, an engineer and successful matchmaker. “Relating is, how am I relating to this person here right now? Am I relating respectfully? Is she feeling safe right now? Is she feeling loved? Is she feeling like she matters? Is she feeling important now? Am I giving her dignity, regardless of how I feel? Because feelings are not facts, right? They are feelings. So, can I recognize that my feelings are my feelings and this person is this person?”
Ben and Chiddie chatted with us about the stages of relationships and how to get more out of yours at every stage. Here’s what they had to say, plus questions you can ask your (future) partner as you continue to get to know each other over time.
The First Date
First dates can be intimidating, but if you agreed to go on one there’s probably some commonality. What’s great too is that you know so little about this person that the questions can be endless. But keep it light and fun while interesting to you.
Questions To Ask/Answer:
- Do you like to travel? Where is your next/dream destination?
- What does a typical weekend look like for you?
- What are you watching, listening to, reading right now?
- Are you working on any personal projects?
- What is the best advice you’ve given and/or received?
- What were you like as a kid?
- Who is your best friend?
Moving In Together
Before deciding to move in together, you want to hone in on what you want in the relationship. What values are you looking for?
“Research has shown that the key life values that are important for having a happy relationship are spirituality, finance, work, family, and health,” says Chiddie. “And it's not like everything must be the same, but you've got to check what are your own beliefs around these values? And how similar are they to the other person's beliefs?”
More similarities mean few conflicts down the road.
Questions To Ask/Answer:
- How do you want to divide the labor/finances?
- How much alone time do you need?
- What do you admire about me? What are your pet peeves?
- Do we handle conflict well? What would you like to see change if anything?
- Where do you see us in five, 10 years?
Getting Married
“Marriage is a contract,” says Ben. “And if you're going into a contract, you read the terms and conditions." That means establishing those terms and conditions for your relationship and revisiting them as needed. “Both of you need to evolve together because now you're a unit that you need to function together. And if you've seen how gears move, sometimes they move in opposite directions, just to move the vehicle forward," he adds.
Questions To Ask/Answer:
- What does marriage mean to you?
- When do you feel most loved?
- Do we communicate well? How so?
- Do you want children and what happens if we can’t or we struggle to?
- How will we share the holidays with our respective families?
- How will you cope with changes in our sex life?
- How can we avoid drifting apart?
Already Married
It takes two to pull off a successful marriage, and sometimes making it work comes down to mindset.
“You both need to have a positive mindset and a commitment that you're going to make the relationship work,” says Chiddie.
“In my view, there's got to be deliberateness,” adds Ben. “It is not about love, as much as it is about commitment. Some days you're going to wake up and not feel like doing it. But if you've signed a contract or you've committed to something, to deliver something, you do it.”
That means a regular audit of what's working and not working, and whether you're meeting those original terms and conditions.
Questions to Ask/Answer:
- What is one day in your life that you would want to repeat?
- What is your biggest hope? Your biggest fear?
- What is one thing I do that drives you crazy?
- What was our best meal together and why?
- What is your best memory of us so far?
- What physical trait do you love most about me?
- If you could choose any career what would it be?
- What is your 5-year goal, 10-year goal for us?
Planning A Family
Before you have children, make sure you’re on the same page about your purpose and goal as a family.
“We created a family vision,” says Ben, which was a way for them to define who they are as a family. “That little thing, which is framed on the wall and which we recommend making, becomes what you base things on. So if there's a disagreement, for example, it's not really about the sentiment of it anymore. Did it violate the family vision or not? Sometimes my individuality might go against the family vision, or sometimes it may be her and it may happen unconsciously. But here, that thing becomes the thing that brings you back.”
Questions to Ask/Answer:
- What are your expectations about parenting?
- How will we divide childcare responsibilities?
- How do you see your life changing after kids?
- How do you see our relationship changing after kids?
- How would you want to parent the same/differently from your own parents?
- What do you enjoy most about kids?
- What are your fears about parenthood?
- How will we manage childcare and careers?
- Who is your parenting role model?
- How do you feel about my body changing?
- What kind of lifestyle do you want to give your kids?
Contemplating Divorce
Conflict is part of being in a relationship, but how you handle that conflict can make or break it.
“Stonewalling,” says Ben, “or giving the silent treatment, and then shouting and insults… the key is to avoid all this and instead have a conversation.”
Chiddie adds: “Sometimes my husband and I are having a conflict and I say, ‘I cannot talk about this now. Can I just take some time off then I'm going to come back?’ We agreed in our relationship that there is no shouting, no matter how angry you are, you will not shout. So, if you're going to shout at that moment, just take a break and relax, then come back and say, ‘This is what the problem is.’ And focus on that.”
Questions to Ask/Answer:
- What is one way we can save this relationship?
- When were you happiest in our relationship?
- What changed?
- What do you still love about me?
- Would you be happier without me?
- What is your biggest fear about ending the relationship?
“Finally, I have this mantra that life is not that long,” says Ben. “You don't have such a long time with this person. What memories are they going to have? What are they going to feel when they remember you? And given that situation, why don't we spend more time loving each other, enjoying each other's company, and having fun rather than fighting or trying to change each other.”
Good reminder, thanks Ben and Chiddie!
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