Intimacy has become quite a buzzword and with Valentine's Day coming up, it can be tempting to only think about intimacy through a physical lens when there are actually different types of intimacy. In addition to sexual and physical intimacy, intellectual, emotional, spiritual, and experiential intimacy are all types of closeness that we can share with the person we love. We spoke with Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT and author of I Want This To Work about these six different types and how they can make your relationship stronger.
How does intimacy benefit a relationship?
Elizabeth: In our relationships, we desire closeness in a variety of ways. Often, though, couples do not have the language to express what they desire. When we understand that intimacy goes beyond sex, we can communicate about what we believe is going well, what is missing, and how to get our needs for connection met.
In new relationships, intimacy is fueled by the "love hormones" we experience during the honeymoon phase. Our bodies are being pumped with chemicals like dopamine that make us feel happy and excited and drawn towards closeness in a new relationship. Because of this, intimacy is often easy to come by in a new relationship.
As time wears on, building and maintaining intimacy can take work. This is completely normal. When our lives become busy, stressful, or boring, the spark that kept things in motion might need a little more help. This means that when we're years into a relationship, we might have to start scheduling conversations and time for intimacy.
What is experiential intimacy, and why is it important?
Elizabeth: Experiential intimacy is the type of closeness we feel to someone when we are having a special experience. For example, when you and your partner go rock climbing together or see your favorite band perform. Experiential intimacy adds excitement and novelty to a relationship.
How should a couple approach this if they have polar opposite interests?
Elizabeth: Part of being in a long-term and committed relationship means having the mindset that you want your partner to experience their best life as much as they want you to experience yours. While some of your interests might never intersect, if your partner asks you to join them in an activity that is important to them, think about it as an intimacy builder rather than an annoyance.
Can you explain what intellectual intimacy is?
Elizabeth: Intellectual intimacy is the type of closeness we feel when we are learning new things together. This might be sparked if you take a class together, talk about the day's news, or spend time having a friendly debate about politics.
What are some questions readers can ask their S.O. to get started?
Elizabeth: I help couples to explore intellectual intimacy with each other in my recently released book, I Want This To Work, by encouraging them to ask questions like:
- Do you think that you can share your opinions with me?
- Do you think I understand what you are thinking? Do you wish we talked more about your thoughts?
- Do you feel intellectually stimulated in our relationship? If yes, what helps that? If not, what could we do?
What is spiritual intimacy?
Elizabeth: When you feel a spiritual connection with someone, you share a sense of wonder, awe, or faith. This connection could add meaning to your relationship, a shared purpose and goal, and a sense of being a part of something bigger than yourself.
How can a couple engage in spiritual intimacy if they have different beliefs?
Elizabeth: Couples can have the same exact beliefs and have absolutely zero spiritual intimacy. Spiritual intimacy is not built through sameness, rather than through respecting and valuing the other person's beliefs around spirituality and being open to experiencing spiritual moments with them.
How can someone benefit from spiritual intimacy if they're not spiritual at all?
Elizabeth: Spirituality is not the same as being religious. Most people are spiritual in some sense. I encourage couples to push themselves to consider the ways in which they are spiritual. What is meaningful to them? What gives them purpose? Where do they feel their sense of awe?
What is physical intimacy, and why is it important?
Elizabeth: Physical intimacy needs are met when we believe we are getting the amount of touch we need. Some people might have their needs met with very little touch, while others need more touch. Physical intimacy builds a sense of closeness and can help reduce stress.
How does it differ from sexual intimacy?
Elizabeth: Physical intimacy is not the same as sexual intimacy. Non-sexual touch can be just as important, sometimes even more important, than sexual touch.
For example, cuddling on the couch without it leading to sex can be powerful. Scratching your partner's back, holding their hand, and giving hugs are all examples of physical intimacy.
If someone wants to get more comfortable with physical intimacy, how should they start? Is hand holding, then hugging, then cuddling a good pattern?
Elizabeth: This depends on the person — I would ask them to consider what they feel the most comfortable with right now and then encourage them to have a willingness to extend themselves one step further. If right now it's most comfortable not to touch at all, do you think you could try to hold hands at least?
Does sexual intimacy go beyond sex?
Elizabeth: Just as intimacy is not always sex, sex is not always intimate. People can have sex and not feel intimate at all. Sexual intimacy is when you feel present with and known by the other person while also having the experience of pleasure. It is important because it can increase closeness and has health benefits.
However, sometimes the importance is different for each person in the relationship. As a couple, you need to discuss how important sex is to you and find a way to meet each other's needs.
How should a couple discuss consent?
Elizabeth: It might feel uncomfortable, but it's a healthy part of a sexual relationship to be very open with each other about what consent looks like in your relationship. Be clear with each other about what you like, what you don't like, and how you'd like to discuss sex if something isn't feeling right to you.
Are there any locations/positions that foster more intimacy than others?
Elizabeth: No! All people are different. Some people might find it incredibly intimate to have sex missionary style on a bed of roses, while others might find that boring. Some couples might find intimacy through having sex outside, while others might find that to be uncomfortable. This is why communication is so important.
How do you define emotional intimacy?
Elizabeth: At its core, emotional intimacy makes us feel deeply known and safe. Emotional intimacy is the belief that we can go to the other person with our feelings, and they can come to us with theirs.
Why is emotional intimacy so scary for people?
Elizabeth: Emotional intimacy requires vulnerability and presents the possibility that your emotions will be seen. This can be challenging for many people, especially those who have had bad experiences sharing their softer side.
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Featured image via Kate Hliznitsova/Unsplash
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