TBH, it doesn’t matter who you’re RSVPing no to — it’s awkward. There are truly few social interactions more painful than the moment someone you actually like invites you to do something you really, really don’t want to do, but simultaneously have no good excuse not to do. I mean — you’re a kind and sociable person who appreciates invitations from similarly kind and sociable people so you can’t just say “no,” right?! You're nice! And raised right! And now, apparently, an obligation to go deep sea fishing with a bunch of friends of friends of friends next Saturday, even though you gravely don’t want to!
It can be difficult to say no to an invite when your reason boils down to “I just don’t want to,” not only because many of us don’t think it’s a valid excuse, but also because we’re supposed to accept invitations from people, right? Wrong! Not wanting to do something optional (and often low-stakes) is reason enough to not do it. Your time, energy, and money is valuable — you don’t have to dish it out at every opportunity. You absolutely, unequivocally, without a shadow of a doubt do not have to attend an event simply because other people deem it important, and you need to give yourself permission to say no more often.
Of course, if the inviter is, say, a family member or close friend, then declining may have worse implications than just going. Retaining strong relationships sometimes means doing things that may not be your idea of “fun,” and that compromise is important to keep in the back of your mind. For instance, you should definitely consider going to your BFF’s housewarming party, even if it interferes with your weekly Vanderpump Rules screening (and don’t even get us STARTED on #Scandoval).
However, for those invites from not-so-close friends for relatively unremarkable events, it's perfectly fine to decline. Even weddings, arguably the most lavish event someone may throw in their lifetime, are declinable. Whether it’s too expensive, too far away, or you just need a weekend off, there are plenty of respectful ways to RSVP “no.”
Here are all the tips you need to diplomatically decline, and not feel bad about it.
1. RSVP "no" early
As soon as you receive an invitation, you probably have an idea of whether or not you can or want to attend. Decline ASAP so the host has an opportunity to invite someone else, get a refund on your seat, and plan accordingly. Plus, you don’t wanna carry the burden of accepting and dreading the event for weeks. It’s way more emotionally draining, and confusing for the host.
If you do want to attend, but are unsure if you can, check your calendar and let the host know your circumstances. Perhaps your sister is expecting her first baby around the same time as your college roommate’s wedding. Reach out to your friend directly and let them know that you may be able to come, or would like to come, but it’s dependent on another important factor.
Chances are, the host will respect and appreciate your honesty. And remember: for big events like weddings, guests = money, so giving the hosts as much time as possible to make adjustments before their event is imperative.
2. You don't have to explain yourself
This is a bit contradictory to what we just said, but if it’s not an up-in-the-air type of situation, you can just say “no.” Plain and simple. Hosts don’t need a laundry list of reasons you can’t go, and you don’t need to share yours.
3. Declining is *actually* quite respectful
Responding to someone, whether it’s an enthusiastic “yes” or a “no,” is way better than not responding at all – or worse, canceling at the last minute. It shows that you care enough about the person to give them an answer, and that your friendship allows for open communication. With anyone in your life, you should be allowed to ask for what you want, and what you need. If you can’t do this for yourself, do it for Future You.
4. Don't make up excuses
It’s just a no-no. If you fabricate an excuse, it can lead to way worse (and certainly more awkward) situations. For example, if you say you can’t go deep sea fishing this Saturday (when it’s really about not wanting to fish), the person might ask you to go with them next weekend, which will put you in an awkward position. Or they might assume you actually love deep sea fishing and want to be on the invite list in the future. The outcome is good for no one.
Alternatively, if they find out you didn’t actually have real plans, or ended up doing something completely different and didn't tell them, or they later discover that you do, in fact, like deep sea fishing, they’ll probably feel worse and assume your response was personal to them. Whether or not that’s true, you’re probably not trying to communicate that.
Being a bit more honest always goes a long way. You can simply say, “I really like you, but honestly deep sea fishing isn't for me.” Easy, right?! This response tells them that you trust them enough to be open with them, and that you care enough about them to build an authentic relationship.
Oh and BTW: Refusing an invitation isn’t that deep! Truly. It’s literally fine.
5. How to say "no"
Saying no is all about what you say and how you say it. Aim for a warm, neutral and matter-of-fact tone paired with a short, candid response. Don’t beg for forgiveness (and TBH if you have to do this, they’re probably not a great friend in the first place), list out every reason you can’t go (this may hurt their feelings more), or get defensive if they have questions. Treat saying no as normal (because it is normal).
What to actually say
For date-specific outings:
“Thank you so much for thinking of me! Unfortunately I won’t be able to make it, but I really appreciate the invitation.”
For activities you’ll never want to do on/at that specific day/time:
“That concert sounds really fun, but I can’t really do big outings on Tuesday nights because of work! But have a great time!”
For times when you’re low on bandwidth:
“I don’t really have the bandwidth for much socializing right now, but I would love to [do something else] soon].”
“That sounds really fun, but I haven’t been sleeping well lately and promised myself I’d stop going to so many [happy hours/deep sea fishing excursions/networking events] until I establish a more consistent schedule.”
Note: The last one is a good option when you’ve declined a couple invites from the same person, and you don’t want them to think you’re canceling because you don’t want to hang out with them.
For moments when you need to compose yourself:
“Let me check my calendar and get back to you!”
(And actually get back to them quickly)
BTW – by declining an invite you have to allow others to do the same. So if someone declines an invitation to your birthday party (which we know will be totally amazing), it’s OK. It doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t like you, or that they don’t want to be your friend, or even that they don’t want to go to your party. Obviously, if the same person keeps declining your invite, maybe that’s another matter, but honestly you don’t want your circle filled with people who dread being with you anyway.
So if someone says, “I can’t make it,” let that be enough. If someone says, “I don’t like deep sea fishing,” believe that they simply don’t like deep sea fishing. If someone says they’re too busy, don’t judge them for doing nothing instead. If someone says they can’t afford to join you for dinner, don’t mentally catalog the amount of $8 lattes you’ve seen them consume this week. A declined invitation is perfectly OK, even if it feels a little bad.
And just remember – any response is better than no response.
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Illustration by Claire Shadomy
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